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I set out good china, crystal stemware, and silverware. Then I added tall candlesticks and flowers to bring the elegance home.
The children’s parents supported the dinner party with enthusiasm. They would be the servers, while I guided the kids through the dining experience.
The Goal of the Dining Etiquette for Kids
I realize dining is casual today, and the children will rarely need more than the basics: chew with your mouth closed, wash your hands, and so forth. Still, it’s good to be exposed to a more formal dinner environment.
I had no illusion that the kids would retain all they learned. Also, I’m no Emily Post. The goal was merely to make my grandchildren aware that there is such a thing as proper dining etiquette–even for kids.
If they forgot what to do after our lesson, there would be other opportunities to relearn. The point was to make it a fun evening of education and to keep the kids entertained and engaged.
Dining Etiquette for Kids: The Set Up
As requested, the children arrived in their party outfits. The parents decided to dress their part as waitstaff, in white shirts with black aprons. I was a pretend chef in my chef’s jacket, a gift years ago from the tony Ritz Carlton (that’s another story).
Setting the Table
The table setting was instructive, in and of itself.
Place Setting: I set a place on either side of each child so they would learn which bread plate and drink glasses were theirs in a group dining setting. Actually, they know the rudimentary rules of table setting, because they are called upon to set the table at grandma’s for our simple Friday night dinners.
Napkin: They learned to put their napkin on their lap and to keep it there throughout the meal. It’s something they usually forget to do.
Silverware: They learned to use the utensils starting from the outside, in.
Here’s a game to play where kids are the restaurateurs. They learn reading, math, organization, and people skills.
It’s not that the kids aren’t exposed to fine tableware or cloth napkins. I try to set a fancy table for every holiday occasion. However, we aren’t focused on the elegance of their table manners when we are dining convivially together.
If your kids are rowdy or clumsy, you might want to rethink what kind of tableware to use. The same lessons can apply with everyday china and regular glassware. But part of the excitement for this activity is using all the fancy stuff–just for the kids.
The Dinner Menu: Keep it Simple
This dinner wasn’t about the food, as it was about the way to eat it. I chose to serve dinner rolls, soup, pasta, and tender chicken that kids can cut with a knife and fork. Each menu item was meant to teach a specific lesson.
I also chose dishes that would be easy to prepare or that could be made ahead. And I stuck to simple flavors–no chopped herbs, for example, because they’re hard for kids to pick out (and they will).
- Rolls–to learn how to take butter from a butter dish and how to butter a roll
- Cream of Carrot Soup–to identify a soup spoon and practice sipping soup
- Chicken Scallopine, garlic pasta, and buttered baby carrots–to practice knife and fork skills cutting the chicken; to practice twirling pasta on a fork
- Strawberries in Phyllo–to learn to locate your dessert utensils; to practice using a fork and spoon to cut an unwieldy dessert (Since I don’t own dessert spoons we practiced with teaspoons)
For more specifics about the menu see the bottom of this post.
How to Teach Kids Dining Etiquette
If you have someone to serve and someone to finish the cooking in the kitchen, you can stay with the kids as each course comes, and guide them through the meal.
For example, I passed the basket of rolls, then the butter dish and explained how to take some butter for their bread plate and how to butter a roll.
We worked through the meal together. Bread to soup, main course to dessert.
It Takes a Family
While originally, I had planned to prepare the meal by myself, along with grandpa’s invaluable support, it helped to have more hands on deck.
The kids’ dad, who was on the waitstaff team, also doubled as chef; he cooked the prepped chicken and made the sauce. Their mom reheated the carrots in butter. Grandpa made the garlic and oil pasta, and also served as the dishwasher.
While the kids were enjoying their meal in the dining area, the staff set down to their own dinner in the kitchen.
Keeping it Loose
Despite your own plans for the kids, you have to go with the flow, and do what works for the moment.
For example, after Little N successfully twirled the pasta on his fork a few times, he just wanted to eat it his way. So, why not? At this point, the lesson was taught, and he would know what to do when he wanted to be on his best behavior.
Another break from the “rules:” I had said that we don’t leave the table until everyone is finished and dinner is over. But Miss T was having seconds of the main course.
While he wasn’t complaining, it seemed like an awfully long time for a five-year-old to be sitting, waiting for his sister to be done–especially after having sat through a few other courses. So I excused Little N from the table. I sat in his place, to keep Miss T company. Then Little N returned for dessert.
Menu Details
Phyllo Triangles: This was merely an amuse-bouche–something to start the dinner and a way to use the leftover phyllo from the strawberry dessert. Stuffed with spinach and feta cheese, the recipe comes from Martha Stewart’s first book, Entertaining.
Rolls: Little N and I made cloverleaf rolls one day after school and froze them, to defrost for our dinner. I used the dough cycle of my breadmaker.
Cream of Carrot Soup: I sautéed some diced carrots, onion, and potato in olive oil, then added a can of chicken stock, simmering until the vegetables were soft. I puréed everything with a hand blender. Finally, off the heat, I stirred in a little cream.
Spaghetti in Garlic and Oil: Steve added finely minced garlic to extra-virgin olive oil and heated the mixture until warmed. He tossed it with hot cooked and drained spaghetti and seasoned with salt. Some chopped fresh herbs, such as parsley or basil, would have been nice, for color, but that would have been a turnoff for Little N.
Chicken Scallopine: I wanted to serve Make-Ahead Crispy Chicken Cutlets, an easy way to prep and freeze chicken cutlets, ready to bake and serve. I didn’t time to make this ahead, so I simply pounded the chicken breasts thinly, seasoned with salt and pepper, and set them aside. The children’s dad coated them with flour, then fried them in a mixture of butter and olive oil. To make a sauce, he removed the chicken, added lemon juice and chicken stock to the skillet, scraping up any browned bits, and swirled in some butter to finish.
Buttered Baby Carrots: I parboiled them ahead, then the children’s mom reheated the carrots in melted butter.
Strawberries in Phyllo: This dessert, featured in last week’s post, can be made in the morning; the sauce can be made a few days ahead. It’s simple to make if you’ve mastered working with phyllo.
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]]>As the days went by and my cold refused to improve, I considered skipping my favorite tradition since we were now well past Christmas.
But I believe this dinner is important for the social development of the grandkids so I refused to let it go. We were finally able to get together on New Year’s Eve.
Why Special Dinners are Important for Kids
First, creating a special dinner occasion is important for kids to learn proper dining behavior and good table manners. Because they come dressed up, they know this is not our typical weekly Friday night dinner and they rise to the occasion, exhibiting their best behavior.
Second, the table is set festively to convey that this is a gala event. This means, no walking around during the meal or leaving the table before everyone is finished.
Third, the kids learn to sit with grownups and participate in the table conversation. It helps them to become comfortable with social interactions, which will stand them in good stead in life.
Parents are so busy just trying to keep everything together with work, school supervision, and Covid concerns, that these lessons around the table may not be a priority. This is where a grandma can step in to help grandkids develop social skills.
Setting the Table for a Special Dinner with Grandkids
While the holidays have come and gone, you can use these ideas for Valentine’s Day or any other special occasions with the grandkids.
- When the kids were toddlers, I would set out their unbreakable toddler plates and cups, but add whatever extra touches I was using for the adults, such as a Christmas cracker and the candy cane place card as shown in the photo above.
- For candlelight, so important for creating a festive mood, I used battery-powered tea lights in sparkly tea light holders. The battery lights flicker and look quite natural.
- As they got older, I introduced good china and glassware, but not my crystal stemware. Instead, I have a slim, easy-to-hold, fancy tumbler for a young child, who graduates to a squat wine glass when older.
- With the youngest now five years old, I decided to add real candlelight by introducing tall glass candlesticks. These were inexpensive so I could bear it if they were knocked over accidentally. It’s important never to leave lit candlesticks unattended with children present. A safer choice would be pillar candles, since they have a firm base.
- Since we were dining on New Year’s Eve, I set out stemmed IKEA champagne flutes that looked elegant, but cost about a dollar a glass, so the kids could join in a toast with sparkling apple cider. After the toast, the kids’ flutes were removed from the table.
How you set your table will depend on the ages of the grandkids and how rambunctious or mellow they are.
Table Setting: Starting with a Neutral Table
When I am planning a special table setting, I usually have some general idea in mind, but not a full plan. The design evolves as I gather the elements.
Here’s how this New Year’s Eve table setting developed:
I’d have loved to use good china and stemware for this special dinner, but still battling my cold, I knew Steve would have to do the washing up alone afterwards. So, I chose everyday white china and IKEA stemware, but selected good silverware as a concession to elegance. Everything–except the silver–would go into the dishwasher afterwards.
Add Color to your Table Setting
Here’s how I made the table setting pop. I added red napkins and gold snowflake-patterned Christmas crackers that I had cut out with my Cricut machine. Sometimes I buy the crackers, but by making my own, I can select the paper pattern and use ribbons generously to tie the ends. The big red bows add lively color.
Just introducing those two colorful items brightened the table immediately. The red napkins are polyester from Macy’s that I bought on sale years ago. They’re of good weight, and while not as absorbent as natural fibers, they can go into the washer and dryer, and require no ironing at all. Red is much more versatile than you might think: great for Valentine’s Day and Fourth of July celebrations.
Add Height to your Table Setting
Height adds elegance to your table setting; I set out three tall candlesticks. They are fragile, so you’ll want to consider what you can expect from the grandchildren’s behavior before taking a chance. While the candlesticks are inexpensive, glass bits everywhere would be a nightmare.
I also introduced height with gold and silver snowflakes that I had purchased at a craft shop years ago. I hot-glued two together, with a bamboo skewer sandwiched between, then cut the skewers to different lengths. To keep the snowflakes upright, I poked them into halved styrofoam balls covered with epsom salt to look like snowballs (see how at the end of this post). More fully round snowballs would be added later.
Fill the Spaces in Between
I wanted lots of candlelight so I added pillar candles from last year, that I had covered with epsom salt.
If you’re running a design along the length of the table, you’ll want some filler material to provide continuity and make the elements appear more cohesive. For a Thanksgiving table, when I use various types of squash, I add bunches of grapes or strands of ivy to bridge and fill in empty spaces. For this Christmas table, I used evergreen sprigs cut from discarded Christmas tree branches and snowballs made by covering styrofoam balls in epsom salt.
Usually, I would set themed place cards at each place. This year, I had planned to make snowflake boxes filled with homemade truffles as the place cards. But, dealing with my cold, I had to acknowledge that enough was enough.
A Note about the Epsom Salt Snow Effect
The pillar candles and styrofoam balls were coated in white school glue (such as Elmer’s) and sprinkled with epsom salt, similar to the snow-covered branches I made previously. The candles and snowballs will keep for another year or two; if the “snow” falls off, simply re-coat.
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]]>I started this project to encourage good table manners for kids. The idea was, Miss T would set the table for our Friday night family dinners after preschool. She was just three.
Now Miss T is twelve. And while she doesn’t come home with me after school as she did then, she will still help to set the table for our weekly family dinners when she’s asked.
How it Started
Okay, I confess: when Steve and I have dinner, we often eat at the kitchen butcher block, heads buried in our iPads.
But that’s not how we raised our children. No matter how busy, we ate home-cooked meals together, sitting around our dinner table, engaged in conversation. No TV.
And when our grandkids come for our weekly Friday night dinners, we do the same. We are intent on modeling good table manners for kids and having civilized meals.
There are no electronics at our dinner table and we have rich conversations. Grandkids are expected to sit at the table and participate until dinner is over.
One way to ensure good table manners is first, to have respect for the dinner table. And one way to have respect for the table is to be the one to set the table. When Miss T was three, setting the table was more of a game. Today, it’s more of a chore–but a necessary one.
Her brother also has also been tasked with setting the table. While not as careful as his sister, N will do a creditable job. He was six when he started.
How a 3-Year-Old Sets the Table
To help her remember the positions for the knife, fork, napkin and water glass, I drew Miss T a little diagram. But then the independent child drew her own–and a much better drawing than mine!
Miss T would arrange the china and flatware following her schematic, setting the table on tiptoes because she couldn’t quite reach beyond the table edge.
Place Cards as an Incentive
We made place cards from cardstock; if the child sets the table, she is allowed to determine where everyone will sit for that particular dinner. Miss T likes the power this role brings.
However, being in charge of seating carries some responsibilities. Even at three, she had to think about who would be best sitting where. For example, her little brother, still in his high chair, should be seated by mommy or daddy for support.
Rather than grouping her family together, she should mix it up so grandma and grandpa are integrated into the group; that way, we can all participate in the dinnertime conversation.
Originally, we just hand-wrote the names of family members on plain cardstock. But then, I bought us a place card stamp. Today, Miss T does both the stamping on white cardstock and the writing of names in her beautiful French cursive.
When we were growing up–and when our kids were growing up–we all had our regular places at the dinner table. Now, because we mix it up with place cards, depending on how cards are set, we get to sit at various positions around the table. This gives us different views–facing the living room, facing the kitchen, or facing the garden. It’s more fun that way.
Importance of Table Setting
Setting the table may seem a trivial chore, but it’s important for kids to have a sense of participation in the evening’s dinner. (They’ve also been taught by their parents to help bus the table afterwards.)
I always have flowers from our garden on our dinner table. When our garden is bare, I turn to the farmers’ market or Trader Joe’s. So no matter how simple the fare–even if it’s takeout burgers–we demonstrate to the kids that dinnertime is a special, cherished family time.
What Children Learn from this Activity
- How to follow a “map:” If you hand the kids a drawing or photo of how the table should be set, they will learn to replicate the placement; in effect, learning to follow a map.
- Precision and placement of objects following a plan: Instead of dropping utensils willy nilly on the table, kids learn the proper way to place them. It’s a good lesson in doing something correctly.
- Responsibility for part of the dinnertime experience: Kids learn that you don’t just sit down and eat; you help to set up for the dinner.
- Understanding relationships of people in a social setting: Place cards give kids responsibility for determining who would sit most companionably with whom.
- Respect for the table and the act of dining: When a child helps to put in their effort to advance the dinner, they will learn to respect the dinner experience, encouraging good table manners for kids.
Table Setting Today
We started the table setting exercise in the days when Miss T went to preschool and I would pick her up every Friday after school. We did many educational activities during our time together, such as keeping a calendar of what we saw on the way home or playing math games on the bus.
These days, the children come to our weekly dinners with their parents just before dinnertime so they rarely are asked to set the table. Mostly, it’s done before they arrive.
We still use the place cards and I try to give family members an opportunity to sit at different places around the table and next to different people. In fact, since we don’t have regular assigned seats, if we don’t have place cards, everyone gets a little confused about where they should sit!
I still have Miss T’s schematic in my napkin drawer. If called upon to set the table for grandma, she no longer needs to look at it, of course. But it’s a lovely memento of purposeful art done by a three-year-old that illustrates the pains she took to do her job correctly.
And she’ll still take out the place cards to arrange the seating to her liking. That remains the perk for setting the table.
I love it when Miss T can come to our house the night before a special dinner, like Thanksgiving or Christmas, when we can cook, bake, and set the table together. I hope, when she grows up, that setting the table with grandma will become one of the activities she remembers fondly.
Only time will tell.
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